i identity as someone who desires Internal Enslavement. It’s not what my current relationship is, but it is something that i have dreamt about since young.
Following up on my previous post explaining what Internal Enslavement is, I received some questions about it and so here are my personal responses.
HOW DOES INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT DIFFER FROM “SIMPLY” BEING OWNED?
Simply being owned doesn’t show the intensity or seriousness of one’s power dynamic, and for some, Internal Enslavement gives a title or label to the group of people who are into serious slavery, strong submissive/slave nature and don’t desire anything more than being a slave to Someone.
ARE YOU IE?
Yes i think i am IE. i have a strong slave nature, and although i myself buy into the concept of IE, it doesn’t mean i am not open to different approaches to slavery. Life isn’t always that high protocol, and by focusing ONLY on the high protocol, one loses a lot of different facets and paths that never would otherwise have been explored. my dream life has nothing to do with fetishes, or sexual preferences, my dream life is as simple as being a slave to my Master, and my sexual pleasure ties into His preferences.
But, that doesn’t mean i do not have my own preferences or kinks. i do, just like i do like the colours purple, black and red. i like bondage and restraints, i like pain in the context of mental connection and intimacy.
The way i reconcile this is that i place Master’s desire in the centre of the table and focus totally on that. All other things go away under the table. If Master wants me to put some of my desires up on the table, i will crawl under the table and pick up some of them for Him.
HOW DID YOU KNOW YOU “HAD ARRIVED”?
i think it is a natural calling. i knew i “had arrived” when i realised there is something beyond all the different kinks and fetishes.
i felt odd to not be able to involve myself in Someone’s pleasure, and that oddness made me depressed. That oddness is a form of extreme selflessness. There is nothing in my life that is important for me myself, and nothing significant if my existence is built upon my ego. i/m no drawn toward pleasure of my own, my pleasure is only built upon other people’s pleasure. For example, i would feel no happiness at all in buying myself a flower, but i would feel enormously happy if i could buy a flower for Someone who desired a flower.
WAS THERE A LIGHT-BULB MOMENT, OR DID YOU COME TO THE REALISATION OVER TIME?
The light-bulb is always flashing on and off. i am unsure of what’s going on with me, the circuits are not complete, but sometimes it sparks and the light-bulb flashes. It comes over time with a sense of certainty and acceptance of myself for who i am. Similar to someone who discover their sexuality, no, it is not a “light-bulb moment” but a constant binary of denial and acceptance.
IF YOU HAD A LIGHT-BULB MOMENT, WHAT DID THAT ENTAIL?
i’ve had several light-bulb moments, and each one entails questions like “do i want to accept this slavery nature of mine? Or do i want to deny it?” and “i can’t run away from my true identity, what can i do to get to where i would feel comfortable”.
Struggling through understanding my slave nature has been mixed with many other struggles, as the BDSM Community is so taboo in South East Asia, particularly Malaysia where i have grown up. Being able to connect to the community through the internet has been very empowering to me, and helped me to grow and accept myself as who i truly am. But being able to connect to the community has also been problematic to me, because it has let me see the truth in life that it’s not always storybook ideals.
WHAT IS INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT AND TOTAL POWER EXCHANGE TO YOU?
Internal Enslavement is that intense strong slavery mind, where the world is centred and extended from my Master. There is no other way, everything ties back to the notion of Master, putting the role of Master in a god-like position.
TPE, on the other hand, is a power dynamic that shifts up and down like the volume of music, depending on the dynamic.
DO YOU FEEL THEY ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, OR CAN THEY CO-EXIST?
They do co-exist, although these two terms are being used to give definition to two very different subjects. i have a strong Internal Enslavement nature that supports the TPE dynamic that Master and i have. i have utilised my IE to get through some major life challenges, relationship compromise, fear, worry, and some nasty arguments in the past.
It would be incorrect to think of Internal Enslavement as an intense slavery mindset where the slave loses all interest in life and exists only to serve. It can also be a back-door to a different kind of obedience. For example, if a Master prefers His slave to have preferences in life, then the slave will utilise the Internal Enslavement to force himself to seek for his preferences in life.
TPE and IE can certainly co-exist, and i think most of the time it does co-exist and intertwine.