Special Snowflake Syndrome

We’re all a bunch of bad-ass mofos, no doubt, but there’s this regrettable thing that happens to some people when they discover BDSM that I thought might be helpful to talk about.

When I say “regrettable”, I mean that if it happens to someone in your orbit, then one morning they’re probably going to wake up and regret it. Possibly in the same way you look back at all-night half-price tequila shooter night at your local.

US AND THEM

The heady pleasures of discovering BDSM, your inner sexual outlaw and that feeling of acceptance when the gang of cool kids offer you a seat at the table is real, and even the most conservative among us get a little twinge. Perhaps you’ve had your desires coiled up like a spring, maybe you’ve finally found a dance partner that doesn’t step on your toes. For many of us it can be like hanging out all our life as a loner, and then we turn a corner one day and there’s our tribe. No-one gets us, but they do.

And, with that comes divisive language. Those who aren’t part of our gang are “the vanillas” or “regular folk” and we’re… something different. Perhaps… something better?

And that’s where it all starts tumbling down. Different, certainly. But better? There’s really no evidence of that.

You can pooh-pooh what I’m saying, and think that no-one you know would ever think that way, but let me give you an example of a common myth you’ll hear at least once from someone.

D/S RELATIONSHIPS ARE JUST DEEPER AND MORE MEANINGFUL, RIGHT?

I wish to become a master because of the bond that develops between master and slave. It is stronger than in vanilla land. M/s relationships are so complex that by nature there’s no way a vanilla relationship can provide the same thing.

I didn’t make that quote up, really. Not only did someone say that, they said it with the expectation that their tribe would gather around and support their view.

This is “additive logic”. We all know that M/s and D/s relationships, at their core, are relationships. They’re two people entwined, stumbling through the world together the best way they know how, hopefully providing things for each other that make that journey easier, happier and more worthwhile. But, the additive logic is that our BDSM relationships are all this, plus MORE. It’s the vanilla, but with magical sprinkles.

Perhaps it is a video game mentality that makes many people believe that there is some kind of “levelling up” effect that happens when you discover the existence of all the different relationship styles to be had. That’s really not the case. Doing what is required to maintain a happy, healthy life (for you and your partner) is really the only “accomplishment” to be had. That end-game is the same for everyone, and it doesn’t really matter what path you take to get there. You just need to find the right path for you.

Viewing different relationship styles in a similar way to the way we view sexual orientations can be helpful for letting go of the idea that M/s and D/s relationships are inherently “deeper” or “better” in some way than more egalitarian dynamics. Would you say that being homosexual creates a deeper connection with someone than being heterosexual? Probably not.

FIND THE DYNAMIC THAT IS “MORE” FOR YOU

Relationship styles that are “more” are simply more personally fulfilling for those involved. Kinksters don’t have a monopoly on deep connection, and hoping that your BDSM is going to provide some kind of shortcut to a deep and meaningful bond is not only lazy but wishful thinking. It takes time, trust and compatibility. It’s the people, not the dynamic, that makes a relationship work.

For you, a power dynamic may lead to a desired connection… one that for you would be deeper. Of course that’s true, and it’s the very reason we seek out the style of relationships that we do.

Happy, healthy relationships are born from compatibility. For some that might mean a set of complementary opposites. But, the more compatible two people are, including that desire to maintain a particular dynamic within their relationship, the higher the chances of achieving a happy, healthy relationship.

People in vanilla relationships can have extremely deep and complex connections… if they are deeply and complexly compatible with each other. Shifting the focus away from an ego-fuelled desire to “have the best type of relationship” to a desire to simply have the happiest and healthiest relationship for who we are as complex and unique human-beings, no matter how that compares with other people’s relationships, might just be the key to that sometimes elusive sense of deep connection with others.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Sally Mason says:

    Incorrect. Completely invalid article for one simple reason:

    THERE … IS … NO … SUCH … THING … AS … VANILLA

    Vanilla people don’t actually exist.

    The reason for this is that Vanilla is an artificial construct created by centuries of Religious Dogma, Sexual/Body/Kink shaming and Societal norms and pressuring etc whereas Kink, Fetishes and BDSM is organic and the actual true and natural life style that everyone would be into if it not for those other things trying to block out our true selves from ourselves.

    People are only Vanilla because they don’t know any better and “normal” sex is all they know. And they are actively kept away from the TRUE sexuality out there and if they DO find out about it, they are actively told NOT to look into it and ESPECIALLY not to practice it.

    Think of it like a little child who thinks sex is gross and thinks their toys, candy and Mac And Cheese are the best things in the whole wide world. Then they grow up and realize other things…LIKE SEX!!! That doesn’t mean that they stop liking those original things they started with, but it’s not their ONLY enjoyment anymore. The Vanilla people are essentially the child who doesn’t know anything outside of their small isolated world of toys, candy and Mac And Cheese. The Vanillas simply haven’t been given the opportunity to grow up, or they have, and they are just resisting and being immature. The child doesn’t want to become the adult, but they have no choice or else they end up with REAL problems and a life of dissatisfaction in their future and life.

    Or, an even better comparison is a Buffet. Kink in this scenario is the people using the Buffet properly, which is trying all the different foods that are available. The Vanilla in this example is the jack ass that goes there and only ever eats one or 2 foods every single time and refuses to so much as even TASTE anything else. Total waste of money and time and a COMPLETE and UTTER incorrect use of the Buffet!

    Basically, there is no such thing as someone who is GENUINELY 100% Vanilla with no interest in any way, shape or form in even the slightest SPEC of Kink, Fetish or BDSM! They are only like that because they don’t know of anything better or they have been brainwashed to think it’s evil and immoral and sinful and then it’s “the Bible says this, God says that” and etc!

    Every single Vanilla person has a secret Kinkster buried deep within who is in DESPERATE need of freedom and that can only happen by deprogramming them of their initial conditioning they were subjugated to since birth.

    In other words, if it wasn’t for all of those limiting ideas, if Religion, God, Sexual/Body/Kink shaming and Societal norms and pressuring etc never came into existence and everyone was always equal and respected from the get go, then every single person and their mothers would have landed somewhere on the Kink spectrum from the very beginning of time to the very end of time and the cosmos!

    Essentially, what this boils down to is that Kink, Fetish, BDSM and etc is the Real World and the Red Pill of Awakening whereas Vanilla is the Matrix and the Blue Pill of Comfort Zones and Delusions.

    So, articles like yours do NOT help the cause at all and that technically makes you an AGENT keeping this broken ass system oiled, checked and running!!

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