Why Control is Not Always What It Seems

You’ll have heard a “the submissive is in control” line before. They usually go something like this: It is the Sub that sets the majority of any hard limits. The Sub that has the stop/go control of safe words. The sub that has more control over giving or withdrawing of consent. Let’s assume, just for…

Discipline – The D in BDSM We Don’t Talk About

We all think we share a language when we talk about BDSM, but when you pry apart the abbreviation you’ll often hear people mumble their way through a definition of “discipline”. Bondage, D/s and SM seem straightforward, but what do we mean when we use the D-word? BEFORE WE USED “BDSM” Let’s blame it (at…

Does a D/s Relationship Make Our Love Stories Twice as Difficult?

Let’s look at a couple of relationship snapshots. Couple 1 is walking in the park, holding hands, talking about something going on in their lives as the scenery forms a backdrop for them to be together. Couple 2 is at home. One partner is sitting in a chair reading a book, the other is sitting…

Pushing a Boulder Up a Hill

If I had to pull one myth out of the many in BDSM to highlight as “the one I’d most like to change”, it’s the idea that Dominance is some kind of pitting of your own personal force against something. It’s this picture of the world as a big boulder, with the idea that you…

Illustrated Guide – 3D Model of Erotic (Kink) Space Pt3

This is the third part of a three-part post exploring a model of how BDSM roles and relationships interact. Part 1 looked at how our desires related to D/s (control) and SM (experiences) interact to form our kink identity. Part 2 explored how roles interact and why some pairings work well. This part looks at…

Illustrated Guide – 3D Model of Erotic (Kink) Space Pt2

This is the second part of a three-part post exploring a model of how BDSM roles and relationships interact. Part 1 looked at how our desires related to D/s (control) and SM (experiences) interact to form our kink identity. This part adds a 3rd dimension and looks at which roles play nicely together. You can…

Illustrated Guide – 3D Model of Erotic (Kink) Space Pt1

This is the first part of a fairly long post, but I promise if you stick with it that it’s very rewarding and you’ll find an interesting model of how BDSM roles and relationships interact. To help with loading time, we’ve divided it into three separate posts. You can find the others here:• Pt 2…

Reimagining Our Relationships in a Time of Crisis

Whatever it is, coronavirus has made the mighty kneel and brought the world to a halt like nothing else could. Our minds are still racing back and forth, longing for a return to “normality”, trying to stitch our future to our past and refusing to acknowledge the rupture. But the rupture exists. And in the…

The Cuckold is Not Worthy of Your Glorious Being

Discussions on cuckolding tend to get complex very quickly, so let me start this with a couple of definitions from the BDSM Glossary Group on Fetlife: cuckold: A man with an “unfaithful” long term partner (i.e. a husband and wife where the wife has sex with other people). There are many variations on cuckolding, but…

You’re An Alpha Sub? What Do You Mean By That?

If you ask someone to identify themselves by role, there are all kinds of hybrid combinations you might hear in reply. One that’s sure to cause confusion is the Alpha sub, because there are several different ways to use the term, and at least one is contentious in the community. SOCIAL HIERARCHY The term “Alpha…