Why people say “You’re poly? That’s so hot!” and not “You’re poly? That’s so romantic.”

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Here’s the way any relationship might start. You meet someone, get to know them, fall in love and feel that desire to hold each other’s hands until the end of days. You feel solid about the future and life struggles are less challenging, because worries are shared. After a long day of work, you know when you go back home, there is someone you love waiting for you. Perhaps dinner is ready, and there is a kiss that flushes away the tiredness.

In that romance i’ve just talked about, there’s an acceptance and encouragement by society. There’s a pre-existing consensus that “two people should find each other, fall in love and support each other”. So, it functions in a normative way, with that feeling that “we love each other, and it will work out well in the future”.

Getting involved in a polyamorous or polygamous relationship is not so easy. It’s entering a journey with no example script to follow. There are different kinds of poly relationships, age, sex, gender, open, etc, but like other non-vanilla/kink practices, there just aren’t standard formulas or steps for you to follow. It’s very possible that you don’t have your first date, don’t make the same kind of plans to stay together, and very likely don’t get married. There is no wedding ceremony and no wedding ring designed for three people. It’s a path of bushes and grass, like the poem The Road Not Taken.

You don’t see triad relationships in the media, nor do you hear people discussing triads in public. And so, perhaps worry sets in. How will the future be for me? Will my relationship fall apart eventually? All those pre-existing ideas of “the great future of love” just don’t seem to apply.

Why do i feel worried and scared about the future? It’s because i don’t have the same kind of pre-existing idea of “what the future is” that i would have in a monogamous relationship.

Not that i’m complaining. Although it can get scary from time to time, i think ultimately it allows me to live life to the fullest. Instead of walking someone else’s path, i’m journeying into the bushes, crossing the river, falling sick when the weather is rough… and discovering my own path of significance in life.


• FetLife – Poly & Kinky
• Fetlife – Same-sex Poly
• Gay Polyamory Blog – Triad
• More Than Two – I am monogamous, and I’ve fallen for someone who’s polyamorous

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