I remember hearing rhetoric over the years such as “What is going to happen when all these kids grow up without active parents? Or in broken homes? Or in difficult times?”
Well, here we are and we hurt. We hurt so bad inside that we have to do something about it. But, we’re not dummies and we’re not self-destructive. We believe the arc of our life is to find what we need and be happier. We are the star of our own hero’s journey and it probably had and unfairly difficult beginning. Few people escape childhood without invisible scars. Is it good that other people don’t see gaping wounds in your soul, when the faustian bargain that goes with it is that you also cannot see them and may never find them? What if that makes it harder or even impossible to heal because they are buried within you?
Some people decorate their body with symbols of their pain. Others carry it invisibly, seemingly well-adapted people who simply suffer more or less in silence.
HOW KINK HEALS?
Who doesn’t this describe and what does it have to do with kink? Kink heals, plain and simple. It allows people to find symbols of power for their pain, to sexualize the transactions involving those symbols, and to superimpose the pain with enough orgasms, control, submission, anger, fear, another emotion or even another physical pain. That which the kink adds overwhelms what was already there, and so it is diluted. With enough repetition, it is fractionally small.
We look for something in the “here and now” that keys into our psyche, back to the point where… something happened that changed us, that we wish didn’t happen. Maybe something bad. Maybe just a toy pony would have been enough for you, but you received ridicule instead. No matter what the pain was, one way to confront it is to sexualize it.
I think I can find a more entertaining way to present this.
Let me introduce the contenders: On one side we have the sum of your emotional pain and the unfair things that have happened to you. Actually, it looks pretty fucking ugly. Hmmm… what could you possibly put in the other corner that could possibly stand up to that?
On the other side, meet Miss Kink. She’s actually pretty cool, but she doesn’t really look up to the task. Still, you are eventually drawn to her relentlessly until you end up on fetlife.
How does the match up go? (forgive the boxing metaphor, I just can’t think of a sport involving directly inflicting some kind of pain that I like less.)
Round one: pain
Round two: pain
Round three: pain
In fact, each day was a round and it was probably miserable, for a long time so I’ll move on. Rehashing it in your mind hasn’t changed anything, despite repeated attempts throughout your life to process it yourself, usually late at night by yourself, when you can’t sleep.
That is the horror situation: you in one corner and this pain monster in the other, in the dark, alone.
At some point you realize you can’t do it that way and after trying lots of different things you finally wondered if Miss Kink could possibly stand up to the beast.
Miss Kink laughs at your pain. But, you don’t understand why. She’s not laughing to make light of it, or to shame you or make you submit. She’s laughing because she believes she is a match for your pain. She is your champion. Is she not one of the few who are willing to stand up and fight for you, regardless of the nature of the monster on the other side?
She laughs at your pain, but not you. Learn this well, because this is the essence of how kink heals. She laughs at your pain so it will stand up and be seen. Because fear shrinks in the light, and fighting fear and the monster at the same time is harder.
Monsters always start out arrogant and stupid — a history of winning will do that. So, they perk right up to be seen by all, unaware of their peril.
Enter the monster, brandishing its nails.
Miss Kink is wondering what color to paint them.
She laughs until the monster is ready for the fight, but she doesn’t fight. Miss Kink is immune to your past. The monster is only in your mind and Miss Kink has nothing whatsoever to fear. She’s fucking powerful as hell! Any hell. Your hell. And she’s also hot and likes sex. She’s really a lot of fun to hang out with, once you get to know her, but I digress.
Miss Kink isn’t going to fight your monster while it is huge. She will fight in proxy, with the monster’s champion. She will force the monster to choose a champion from those that will defend it within the rules of a given kind of kink that is appealing. Let me just say that this is not the role that the monster had in mind when it agreed to torment you for the rest of your life. In fact, that little wrinkle there, in what you might guess would be its forehead? Perhaps you’ve never seen it before, but that, my friend, is a wrinkle of worry.
Yes, the monster is for the first time a bit worried because it has always had an easy time against opponents that were vulnerable and this Miss Kink is always in the monster’s fucking way. Always between you and the monster. She is standing up and saying to the monster that if it would like to speak with you, it will have to get through her first, on her terms, because she is invulnerable. If you let her, she will let you explore on your own terms.
Miss Kink is an invulnerable champion who is very, very clever. You simply have no idea. Or, maybe you do, in which case the diversity of kink underlines the diversity of needs for which kink is being used to remedy pain.
She knows that every transaction between humans, every kind of communication, every kind of meaning, can be sexualized. She knows that we love sex. She is willing to share the most intimate details of ourselves.
Now she’s standing up to this worried monster, which is now wearing the kink gear of her choice and she is methodically prepping her gear.
She recapitulates the offense, or something symbolic of the pain, but this time something is different. This time she is entirely in control, and she takes her instructions from you and your partner(s) in this journey.
She goads the monster into one of its old standbys: play over and fucking over in your head. The monster, constrained by the rules of the kink, loses a round. Maybe something sexual happened to it, maybe it was simply present and denied. Maybe it provided immense pleasure. Maybe it provided relief or possibly a reason to shed a lot of tears.
Yes, Round, um, whatever. Miss Kink wins this round. And, we are all quite impressed with how handily she did it.
The thing is, monsters are actually pretty tough. And experienced. Beating them like this, well, it just isn’t easy. She is that good because she brings something with her when she confronts the monster:
Sex is also not so easily beaten. If you still like sex of any kind, the monster hasn’t won. You can leverage how much you like sex to reach a point where the monster is at a disadvantage. Sex is important. Sex is, well, pretty fucking important! Sex is a strong enough instinct that your entire body can be aligned on this. None of this left brain not knowing what the right brain is doing.
When your kink is engaged, it’s “here monster, monster…” time.
But, monsters are not so easily beaten. They show you where they are hiding when they try to affect your life. You can sexualize it with kink and Miss Kink will kick its little ass. And give you an orgasm or two.
So, the next night that you can’t sleep and the monster haunts you, it’s kinda making sure Miss Kink isn’t also around. So, if now isn’t convenient, it could come back later, when you aren’t thinking about Miss Kink. You could, perhaps, schedule some time with the monster when you agree not to have kinky thoughts. I think that merits a “good luck with that” heading toward the monster.
Again, Miss Kink laughs at your fear. And you cry because you are grateful that she is so powerful that she can, and she means only to give you the power to use sex to control the monsters from the past.
But, controlling monsters is for zookeepers, or collectors. The monster has got to go! No, nothing can undo the past, but nothing says the monster gets to travel with you, thrive off your psyche and not pay rent!
Miss Kink can win any round you bring her to. So for a while you probably do, because just winning a round against the monster can be cathartic.
How again does she win the round? What is your kink? Even if what is happening is happening to your own body, if it symbolizes the monster in your mind then you are directing Miss Kink to do this to or with the monster.
Not all kink is abusive, of course. Depending on the original pain, it may be more healing to receive pleasure or pain. You probably know which you seek, but you should at least think about both, like looking inside to understand if you are Dom or Sub, Straight or Gay, Poly or Monogamous, etc.
Sooner or later, the monster is going to gain some respect for Miss Kink, because, with your help and assistance, she can pretty much subdue the monster, with style. She’s so good at it that you enjoy watching her do it.
Yes, Miss Kink rocks.
But, healing is a process that starts with the results of an injury and leads to something better. It doesn’t necessarily mean a cure. Some things cannot be cured, but you can feel better. Miss Kink is your partner to help you chart the unfamiliar territory of what lies beyond what the monster has allowed you to see. She will see you safely to the border of the lands dominated by the monster and you can summon her in your mind whenever he rears the pathetic remains it calls its head enough to get your attention. Miss Kink has a rail pass and will be there soon. Just knowing it is enough to send the monster looking for a different day on his calendar that would also work for you.
The kind of healing that Miss Kink offers is rewriting your brain. She knows you’ve been thinking in patterns that were initiated by pain and she knows that events and people that follow those patterns give strength to the monster usually without any intent by anyone to do so. The monster feeds on familiar patterns you don’t see and craps misery on your life.
The monster is very powerful and invasive in our minds, having gained skill over the years in finding its way into our thoughts, affecting our choices and generally continuing to make us miserable.
Miss Kink deconstructs the pain into the separate events: this is an inventory of battles to be waged on your behalf. She sexualizes some of them to gain her unique advantage, and wins against any that dare to show up. She uses the same pathways the pain monster always walked without fear within you. She repaints them in white wherever she walks; the monster dares not follow more than a few more times. It takes treading the path more than once to reduce the monster’s presence to something you can manage even without Miss Kink.
When you walk enough of those paths, the monster will have no home.
When you don’t need Miss Kink, she will let you go, because she has plenty of other people to help.
We can’t see the way we think. And, it isn’t like we can just think another way. Miss Kink is in it with you for the long run, because the Monster has had a lifetime to entrench himself in your mind. You’re going to have to work at it with her to find the places you’ve been hurt and let her work her magic. Just because Miss Kink is awesome doesn’t me she works overnight, or without your help. You can tell her how you were hurt. You can imagine how to sexualize it in a way that gives you the upper hand this time. You can recapitulate the injury in a manner that causes no actual harm, in order to find the a place within you where a powerful kink experience can actually change you for the better.
It might take longer to heal than time you have suffered, but at least it will aways be getting better and better.
This is healing through Kink.
About the Author
tydominic is a sensual Dom with many talents, from Colorado, United States. In his words:
“I believe that sex is communication and that sexualizing other kinds of communication is thrilling. So, I write about sex. It pleases me and I hope it pleases you too; otherwise, the words I used will have to be punished.”
Find more of his fiction and non-fiction on Fetlife.