Long Distance Relationships – Helping your Dom When He Drops

We’ve talked about Domspace and subdrop in previous posts as mostly being about endorphin floods (and mental space) during a scene, and the effects of recovering from that when the scene ends.

If you’re in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR), you may have experienced a different kind of drop. For the sake of this article i’ll call it LDR Drop, though i’ve never really seen it written about before, and i’m sure that’s not its official name.

What i’m referring to in this article as LDR Drop is really an “energy drop” in the relationship. A kind of burnout, when the Dom is finding it difficult to exert power over distance.


My observation of my Master, and Doms i know, is that they are often the strong silent type. The Dom is often the shoulder to cry on, the solid rock, the one who cares for others. It’s part of their power and their mystique.

It’s not that there are not times of low-protocol sharing, but my observation is that a Dom’s problems often stay with the Dom. His energy is strong and steady.

But, of course, Doms have stressful days too. It might be financial stress, general low energy/mood, too much responsibility on Their shoulders to take care of the household’s spirit, or any number of other things that generally put a normal person in a low ebb. Dominants are human too.

Drops for the Dom can manifest in all kinds of ways, but for the LDR sub it often feels like a power outage. The D/s energy can become unstable, and the long distance power dynamic can become challenging.


LDR is nearly always built upon mediated communication, including voice, video and text messages. We don’t get to be there physically for the one we love.

If i fall down, my Master isn’t there to give me a hand, nor can i kiss His feet before bedtime. When drops happens, it’s never more apparent that LDR makes it hard to “be there” to support our partner.

Not being there doesn’t mean there’s totally nothing we can do though.

When i feel emotion turbulence, which i usually feel as helplessness, feeling ignored or sadness, i first try to diagnose my emotions objectively. Is it just me? Or is something truly happening to the power dynamic? And if it’s something that’s truly happening, is it just a down day? Or is it something bigger?

i think it’s an important skill for slaves to have, to be able to sit back and examine emotions objectively, rather than being consumed by the emotion itself.

Sometimes i find that the emotional drop is my own. It’s from seeing (and sceneing with) my Master and having residual emotions from that. Or, i am needy of attention for one reason or another (life stress, perhaps) and i’m not getting the extra that i desire. Sometimes i sense that it’s not about me – that my Master is going through some stress or busyness and His energy is elsewhere.


Try to think for the Dominant, and evaluate if your diagnosis of what is going on is accurate or not. Some times it’s very hard to tell what is accurate when we are separated by distance. When the phone messages go quiet, is that because your Dom is annoyed with you? Or, has His day just been long and stressful, so He’s having some quiet alone time with his book?

Once the cause of stress is identified, the first question is: Is it important enough to report to your Master? Will reporting to your Master add to His burden or is it healthy communication that’s important in an LDR? Evaluate if it has become an issue that needs to be discussed.

Do what you can do for your Dom. If there’s something He wants, anything at all you can do to ease his stress or drop, i’m sure you would do it. Make sure He knows you are there for Him, whether that’s to actively do something or to take a step back and give Him space. Whatever He needs.

Once He knows that, it’s time to take care of yourself. In an LDR we don’t get the pleasure of taking a walk in the park with our partner or sharing a movie together, so it’s important that you know how to care for yourself. Go get some exercise to bump your dopamine up, or watch a film to escape from your power dynamic.

It’s likely that you noticing that your Dom is having a rough patch has given you a strong submissive energy, which is not balanced on the other side by a strong Dominant energy. As a good sub/slave, you want to be there, ready for your Dom when he needs you, but not overly seeking attention. It’s all about balance.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of sending a smiley face that lets Him know you’re there, attentive and ready, but willing to not engage.

i know that i can’t always be there to physically support my Master. i also accept that sometimes there is nothing i can do to mentally support Him. Sometimes He will choose to keep things to Himself. Everyone will have different ways of dealing with this. For me, personally, i often transform it into an expression of art. i compose music, draw a picture or write a short story for Him, or i write in my journal or send Him a letter. It’s my way of sending energy, so it travels to the side of my Master.

You’ll probably have your own way of sending energy, so at least you can be there for Him spiritually, if not physically. Maybe it’s recording a strip tease or writing a blog. You know what He likes!


3 Comments Add yours

  1. Navine says:

    I met a guy online 2-3 months ago. Upcoming August we are supposed to meet. He introduced me to bdsm and wanted me to be his. I didn’t know what to think of it at first, but I was curious enough to learn. I was a bit scared since im not sexually experienced at all and tried to end it several times (I wouldn’t do anything sexual on cam and thought it to be unfair to him at some point to be so disobedient), but he wouldn’t let me. I just wanted us to communicate well enough to put my doubts at ease. However, recently he’s been very distant with me. And I told him to forget the whole thing, but he made me call him and made everything seem alright again. Next week I’m going to Holland, where we’re supposed to meet, but I feel very confused about this whole thing. I don’t like being ignored at all and I don’t understand what he’s doing. He says with his words how much he loves me and puts me at ease, but with his actions he’s distant. I would appreciate some input.

    1. boy denon says:

      Hi Navine,

      First of all, i can’t help you to judge whether this guy that you decided to meet is genuine or not. You need to find out whether if he is genuine, and that can also be tricky when it comes to LDR.

      If you don’t want to have sex, you should state it clearly. Clear communication helps you to prevent unnecessary conflict, and consent issues. (http://bdsminthemind.boydenon.com/2015/03/what-is-informed-consent/).

      Have you already decided to meet up? if that is your decision then I am sure you have mentally and physically prepared for it? Quite often it is your relationship, and without much information about your relationship, any judgement would be deemed as inaccurate and biased.

      General rules for LDR is, Safety, you don’t want to be lurked into undesired sex and regret it, you wan’t to be able to walk out in one piece.

      If it is a genuine relationship, then don’t worry about the confusion, everything in life can be confusing, some are more confusing than others. Just make sure you still have your social support groups (Friend, family, siblings, school) to fall back if anything goes wrong.

      But seriously, i don’t know if your relationship is a genuine, serious relationship or just a play of one night stand, and You are the only one who can give judgement to what you want to achieve and desire.

      All the best,

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