Negotiating Away the Stupidity

by y.t.

One of the mental characteristics in a BDSM relationship i thought i should touch on is the subject of stupidity. Of course, “stupidity” is weighty, in vocations, and i was reluctant to jump into the fray without a life preserver. But since we’re on the subject, i want to put in my “two cents” worth.

First, while stupidity comes in many shapes and guises, perhaps the more insidious forms of stupidity comes from individuals who preach in absolutes. And the most dangerous of all is when a ‘professional’ adopts a “holier than thou” attitude, giving stupid or dangerous advice.

Granted, everyone has a right to express his or her own views. But i have real problems when that viewpoint is so clearly at odds with common sense. I mean, when somebody in a position of authority says “safewords” are absolutely useless, does he actually mean that a bottom/slave gives up his right to safety when playing? And what about sanity & the basic concept of consensuality here? Do they give up those rights as well?

As far as i am concerned, i hardly think so. Safe, sane and consensual BDSM is important when it comes to playing. And anyone who says otherwise should be taken to task.

Another form of stupidity happens when an individual throws his own safety to the wind when it comes to playing. I was reminded of an incident about five years ago when it was reported that a man in the Los Angeles area was tied up & robbed, and not the home invasion kind. Apparently, in the heat of the moment he let his guard down for some BDSM pleasure and invited somebody he didn’t know into his home and had never even seen before (the guy was hooded when he arrived to play!), and then allowed the guy to tie him up. The next day the mail man heard a mysterious noise inside and called the police to investigate, finding the victim bound and gagged in the playroom. Fortunately, nothing physically dangerous happened (though psychologically?), just some items were taken. Definitely NOT a safe episode!

Another incident occurred a few years ago when a would be slave didn’t check up on a potential “Master” as carefully as he should, jumped in, and was robbed in the process. While he was smart enough to involve the police in getting his stuff back, it just goes to show that one can’t be too diligent in this line of play. He confessed to me that he’d been stupid and i agreed with him!

Now, on a slightly different bent. At one of many play parties i attended over the years, i had the occasion to speak with an extremely disappointed young man about his relationship as a “boy.” I say “boy” and not “slave” because that’s how he views it, but the other person in the relationship sees them as Master & slave. Therein lies the problem: two differing points of view, with neither willing to sit down and resolve the disparity.

Now, is that stupid behaviour or isn’t it?!?

The young man’s complaint was that, when both of them go out, he’s denied permission to play, talk, or do anything except to stand i the corner while his “Master” fools around. Okay, nothing wrong here except that they don’t play at home either so, in effect, the boy has more or less become celibate. And not by choice!

Unless they works things out between themselves, and soon, i don’t foresee any long term stability in their relationship.

Stupidity occurs on many levels so you should use your common sense, be cautious, try to discern the good from the bad, weight carefully your options and then proceed with as much knowledge as you can possibly gather. Everybody takes risks. Just make sure that they’re safe and acceptable ones.


SMP2This article, by y.t., first appeared in S/M Perspectives (Vol 1, Issue 2), independently published in Vancouver by Rainfall Press in 2003.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *