Even though a recent Guardian article, Never tried BDSM? Go on, it’s good for you, points to studies that suggest that those of us expressing ourselves sexually may be happier than the average, there are a lot of people who are “under happy”.
I’m using the term “under happy”, rather than “unhappy”, because I think it better fits that emotion that’s inbetween being happy and unhappy. It’s not misery as such, just a feeling of dissatisfaction.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE HAPPY?
In literature, there’s actually two distinct branches of happiness: hedonism and eudaemonia. The first is defined by pleasure and consumption, the second by achievement.
The problem with hedonism is hedonistic adaptation. That’s the process of adjustment where we get used to whatever level of satisfaction we attain, such that it no longer thrills us. We get used to it, and then we desire to kick it up a notch.
Hedonism, in other words, is a source of fleeting feelings of pleasure, but ultimately leads to dissatisfaction. It’s a state of restlessness, of insatiability, of “getting bored with what we’ve got”.
Eudaemonia, on the other hand, is very much driven by an internal force. It’s about having our own sense of what matters and where we want to invest our efforts.
In his article The Agency Moment, New York Times columnist David Brooks describes how we, the privileged, have been “raised to be “approval-seeking machines… directed by other people’s expectations, external criteria and definitions of success that don’t actually fit us”.
It’s internal criteria and definitions of success that drive eudaemonian happiness. Investing effort in what we find meaningful, and working to be the best we can be, is its own reward.
FINDING HAPPINESS IN BDSM
Many people start their journeys in BDSM with quantity, not quality. Some early success puts the hedonism in overdrive and, like kids in a chocolate shop, we want to taste it all. We kiss some frogs and we kiss some princes, and we are driven ahead with the thought that the next thrill might be the one that scratches the itch.
Technology makes it particularly easy. With sites and apps like Collarspace, Tinder and Recon, it can be much like dialing a pizza.
The problem is that ultimately that repetitive action of treating others like meat, and being treated like meat in return, can be dehumanising. It tickles our hedonism briefly, but most people find that it’s a thrill-emptiness cycle.
There’s nothing wrong with scoffing chocolates, we all love them. But most of us know there’s no long-term happiness in them. They’re only satisfying while they’re in your mouth.
Some people have other sources of happiness in their lives. Careers, family, friends or hobbies. For them, that may be enough. But, many people exploring their BDSM sexuality want to go deeper into it. It’s a journey of self discovery and self understanding. For them, the hedonistic pleasure doesn’t last, and to be happy they need to springboard to eudaemonia.
What that means, is that they ultimately need to believe in their ability to shape their own BDSM lives, and not hope that the next dial-a-Dom/sub will do it for them. The drive forward needs to become internal, and about investing effort in what is personally meaningful.
That might seem daunting, but knowing ourselves and what we want really is the only path. Our early flirtations with hedonism can help shape our ideas, a wise partner can help us explore, but to be happy we need to be doing it to feed our own inner fire.
The great thing is that everyone likes people who know themselves. Ask any Dom, ask any sub. “I don’t really know what I like” is never as sexy as “I am this”. Life seems to conspire to match those who seek out the experiences they find meaningful with the partners who want to provide and share those experiences.