Just a few days ago, I discover an insightful podcast discussing BDSM polyamorous relationships by No Safe Word — Ungagged Episode 13 – Flipbook Families
i self identify as a kinkster, and if you’ve read other articles on this site you might have already gathered that i spend a lot of time thinking about human behaviour.
Getting your feet wet in polyamorous relationships can be complex, confusing and challenging, but it certainly can be rewarding if you do it right (or at least learn to do it right). I don’t consider myself to be a know-it-all relationship counselor, but I do have some personal experiences in dealing with some of the confusion in a polyamorous relationship.
BE PREPARED TO STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE!
Having relationships with more than one person can be very uncomfortable, and the simple rules of intimacy, romance, love and care can be quite blurry. It takes time to discover your space and boundaries, and continue to learn and unlearn perceptions about your relationship(s). It takes continuous work to make sure everyone’s comfort zones are met and boundaries are respected. If you are moving from a monogamous relationship, there will probably be a difficult phase of adjusting your comfort zones as you adjust your relationship to include more than one person.
Polyamory is not something that’s entered into lightly, and not only is there is usually a strong reason, but it is a consensual agreement so that reason needs to be shared with others.
If it seems tough, don’t give up. Just keep working on it and remember why you wanted this in the very beginning. There are no guidelines or user-manual on how to make fulfilling relationships work for poly tribes. If your lifestyle is outside of “conventional norms” then perhaps you will need to adjust your expectations on what it is to explore life with your partner(s). This can sometimes be quite uncomfortable and contribute to confusion, frustration, doubts, and insecurity. But, hey…. why do we have to follow the conventional relationship user-manual anyway? You can write your life story however you want. You can choose how you can enjoy your relationships and design intimacy in whatever way you like. Build your own user-manual for your relationships.
COMMUNICATION, NEGOTIATION, UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE
Communication is nearly always the key in resolving relationship issues. If there is no communication, then you can feel negative about something all you want but you’re unlikely to change it. You want to make sure the hidden issues are talked through, negotiated through, and find a solution together in tackling the problems in the most understanding, reasonable, caring manner possible. Quite often how we view the relationship(s) may differ from our partner(s). Or, you might share the same vision but without expressing that it can feel like all the drivers are driving in different directions without a sense of where everyone is located.
BE VERY HONEST, OPEN AND MATURE
If you don’t put it on the table, don’t assume your partners understand how you feel. It is your responsibility to open up. Honesty sometimes can be quite difficult, but being honest doesn’t mean being negative or nasty. You just need to be yourself and be open when you feel ups and downs. Or, if you decide that it is better for you to process information alone and adjust yourself, then it is your responsibility to make sure your emotions don’t affect others.
Unless you’re living a charmed life, there will be tough conversations and tough emotions in polyamorous relationships, I won’t lie. But life is too short to get stuck in the negative zones. There are times for negotiation, communication, and adjustments to ensure the boat sails smoothly and doesn’t flip. But you will also have plenty of time to enjoy the special connection you and your partner’s have created, and the joy that’s found in the intersection between your live and the people you love.
Definitely check out the great Podcast from No Safe Words. It’s greatly insightful and educational look at polyamorous relationships. — Ungagged Episode 13 – Flipbook Families or Popup Window for Flipbook Families