As a relationship matures, that initial thrill can fade. The Dominant/submissive dynamic is many things, and it’s not always eros in the driver’s seat. What tools are in that black box of BDSM that spark your magic as a kinky individual?
All relationships have some form of maintenance, to keep the flame burning. Sometimes we might surprise our lover with a gift, or share a candle-lit dinner, or appear at the door in new lingerie, or whatever it is in your house that brings the temperature up.
The thrill of the Dominant/submissive dynamic needs maintenance too. You need to take a look into your black tool box, and check out what tools you have and what to use.
Often we rely heavily on our Dominant to plan BDSM scenes for us. Isn’t that the Dominant’s role? Isn’t that what he does? Well, yes… but no.
The nature of power exchange is that the Dominant holds most of the power in terms of order, commands and discipline. The submissive receives orders, obeys commands and enjoys submission.
I’m aware that this is a gross oversimplification. Many people in M/s or D/s relationships will go to great pains to explain how there is synergistic balance in their relationship. But, just in terms of authority, the way it nearly always works is that the Dominant receives while the submissive gives.
You’re driving down the road and at the junction, should you turn left or right? i think we should turn left, but He thinks we shall turn right. Both of us probably have good reasons for our choices, but in a D/s dynamic the default is to follow the Dominant’s decision, even if sometime it may not be the best decision. We might be empowered to give our opinion, and perhaps even argue our case a little, but if push comes to shove and He wants to go right, then we go right. That authority keeps us anchored and reduces the time in conflicts.
However, that doesn’t mean that sometimes the Dominant doesn’t want to just sit back and relax, and let someone else take the driver’s seat.
So, let’s say that you are a submissive who would love to just get pinned to the wall, tied up and [fill your kinky interest here]. It’s a kind of lovely and romantic notion to put cuffs on your wrists and ankles and shackle yourself with locks to the wall, leaving the keys on the Master’s table with a note.
This seems like an easy task to do, so what’s stopping us? In practice, the psychology isn’t all that simple. Our sense of our role in our relationship encompasses submissive concepts like “don’t make decisions, and don’t try to be pushy”.
The idea that we shouldn’t impose our will on our Dominant helps us navigate our role in daily life, so it works well for us most of the time. But it has potential negatives or drawbacks too. By taking the lead (in our sex lives) occassionally, we can:
• express our fantasies to our Dominant
• express our service to our Dominant
• give Him a well earned break and let Him relax and enjoy something “passively”
Although at first thought it seems to go against our desire to be submissive, it’s not difficult to reframe it as service-oriented. It fulfills that concept of slaves being pleasing to their Master, performing for His pleasure. That’s quite a head-trip and that can be spicy in any relationship.
In only a few simple steps, you can make it happen.
It’s not all that different to visualising a party or romantic dinner. Close your eyes and think through the scene. What will you need? What can you do to get yourself ready in advance to please your Dominant? What will turn your Dominant really on? What location/music/lighting will work best? Is it safe? Will your Dominant be comfortable?
You’ll have to judge for your own relationship how much information you need to exchange. Can you spring it on Him as a surprise, or will it be best to put forward a suggestion in a submissive manner, for example: “Master, i have an suggestion, would You like to let me set up a scene for You? i am not trying to be pushy, but i would like to be pleasing and hope to serve You in a proactive manner.” Is it best to explain what you intend to do in detail, or will it be more pleasing to keep it a mystery and let Him enjoy it as it unfolds? Will you need to ask for time to prepare?
DON’T GET HUNG UP ON IT
If your Dominant says “no”, be ready to deal with that without resentment or feeling. It may mean it’s not the right moment for the plan, or it may mean that your Dominant really doesn’t want you to take the lead in that area. At some opportunity you might want to clarify His decision. Whatever the outcome, it will give you a chance to learn and grow in your D/s dynamic.