The Inner Selves of the Dominant and submissive in D/s Relationships

The magical thrill of the Dominant/submissive commitment is what most kinksters strive for. Not only because of the erotic ambiance that it provides, but there is something visceral about it. When we think of D/s, it can make our heart buzz and give us goosebumps. What really goes on between the stern standing Dominant and the passive kneeling submissive is more than just a turn on.

Developing D/s relationships is a long process. We start as two strangers sitting opposite each other at a table. But, soon the submissive begins learning about his Dominant in depth, in just the same way that the Dominant is discovering everything about the submissive. We learn not only the things that are physical, but the motivations and drive of our partner.

Perhaps more-so than other relationships, D/s requires intense focus on your partner. In a way it’s like taking a lot of micro closeup photos after first looking at the larger macro image.

The psychological observation of your Master/slave changes you as an individual. This is where the visceral unexplainable charm comes in. Remember the first experience of you kneeling down by His feet? And being told in that hypnotic Master’s voice that you’re a “good boy”, or having the warmth of his hand on your skin? That isn’t just connecting Master and the slave physically, and it’s certainly not mere erotic posturing. It makes you feel complete, satisfied as a Master of a slave or a slave of a Master. This posture connects the inner self of two individuals. The inner soul of the Master who desires power but can’t exercise that power in everyday social life is suddenly being satisfied. Similarly, the inner self of the submissive who doesn’t like to exercise power, but is forced to make big decisions in everyday life, is satiated.

That is charm. We feel right, right in the sense that this is our true self that can’t be satisfied or expressed in any other way. But, in the D/s dynamic it is connected and fulfilled.


When D/s is not just limited to that one moment of kneeling, but plays out every moment of the day when two individuals are together, that D/s magic becomes integrated and can find healthy expression in work, social life and family moments.

In a vanilla dynamic, things aren’t that intense. The serving of a meal is just the serving of a meal. There isn’t much reading of meaning into it. But, in D/s relationships things can take on more meaning, and it can become “a submissive serving his Dominant”. For many people, this is precisely the reason why D/s relationships are more thrilling and fulfilling than the vanilla dynamic.

Likewise, there will be moments when you come across behaviours that aren’t compatible between one another. In D/s relationships, often the submissive tries to change his behaviours into a desired mode and develop in a way that enhances the dynamic. This can be a self-directed change, or the Dominant can take control of it as part of the dynamic, and it brings elements of Behaviour Modification into D/s relationships. The process of behavioural modification can also become part of the thrill of the D/s relationship and enrich the growth and bond between two individuals. Change of behaviours within a relationship is always intended to be positive rather than a negative, if done properly.

The charm of the D/s lifestyle is not merely erotic satisfaction. Of course, it can be hot as hell, but it is the spiritual inner self aspects of D/s that drill deep inside us, down to the soles of the Master’s feet, and up to the top of the submissive’s forehead.

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